If you really knew me, you would know

...there are so many things I wish I could say outloud.
...sometimes words and actions hurt me, even if they weren't meant to.
...I am completely paranoid that people are saying bad things about me when I'm not listening.
...I desperately want to be accepted.
...I still do not know who I am.
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving.
...I smile a lot of the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is.
...my ED is not the problem. It is a symtom of all my real problems.
...sometimes the weight of my sadness is so crushing that I cannot breathe.
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with.
...no one can put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone the way I talk to myself.
...what I want more than anything in the world is to love myself.
...sometimes I cry when no one else is around.
...I do not like having an ED, I'm just having a harder time disliking the results.
...I have a hard time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway.
...I am unable to see my own potential.
...I still have no idea who I am.
...I resent anyone who has rich parents because I feel those people get things handed to them when I have to work hard for everything I have.
...I blame myself for being raped.
...I make jokes about my dysfunctional family, but really it embarrasses me.
...I long to have a close relationship with my family.
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I'm being intimate with my husband.
...I'm in a constant state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute with thoughts of my ED, my failures, and how I think people see me. I never have a true moment of peace in my head.
...I lied my way out of treatment, and now I'm suffering the consequences.
...I feel a massive emptiness inside myself.
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I'm afraid I will fail.
...I have absolutely no confidence in myself or my abilities.
...I feel like a complete outsider, I don't feel that I belong anywhere.
...I feel like I am a burden.
...I hate feeling needy, but I long to be taken care of.
...I cannot fully trust anyone, because I know I cannot be fully trusted.
...I'm afraid my husband will wise up and realize I'm not good enough for him, and he will just give up.
...I am so sorry for all the times I lied.
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel.
...I hate being so emotional.

Happy Fucking Father's Day

Today I woke up in a pissy mood. Not feeling like dealing with any bullshit and let me tell you there's plenty of bullshit to go around. I feel like a fat moose, I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks because of work. I barely stick to my diet and my husband has been getting fast food. I indulge in the occational french fry and I think the grease and fried crap is affecting my mood. I would be a lot happier if I could have weighed myself this morning and found that I miraculously lost 5 or better yet 10 pounds. I didn't, I gained 5 pounds. I took 5 of my fiber therapy pills and ate a fiber one bar. I'm hoping soon to expell much of my bloatiness. I am thrilled that much of my belly has shrunk since March but it just brings more attention to my huge thighs. I have to move from the computer my sister just offered me cake. I will post a little thinspiration later. I need it!

Summer Thinspiration

Lost & Found

I found this survey and I thought it might give myself as well as others a little insight into me.


Size: 12 (US)
Age: in my twenties
Highest Weight: 205lbs
Lowest Weight: 145lbs (currently, I working back to this weight.)
Goal Weight: 135lbs

Favorite Diet Food? Low fat yoplait Raspberry cheesecake & red velvet cake yogurt, lite caeser salads, light lemonade

Favorite Binge Food? pepperjack cheese on Triscuit Parmesan Garlic Thin Crisps, auntie anne's plain pretzels with cheese, taco bell

Favorite Exercise? cardio (treadmill, bike & elliptical)

Thinspo? Real girl/scene reminds me of what I'm fighting for, reverse reminds me of what I'm fighting against.

What Makes You Slip Up? When my husband is eating and the smell of the food. I work near the mall entrance of Macy's and auntie anne's is right there, i can smell the pretzels

What Makes You Strong? looking in the mirror and reminding myself that my bio-mom has diabetes, and her mom has diabetes, and her aunt is borderline diabetic.

When Did It Start? in 2001. I've been told I was fat my whole life and when I became a teenager something snapped I just stopped eating. I got caught and became a compulsive over eater and now I'm back at square 1

Does Anyone Know? only people who read my blog.

Do You Want Help? no. i want to be able to do this the fast way. I know its not the healthiest but I've tried their way, it only made me more fat.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? something like 700, I wish it could be less but I'm afraid people will catch on.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? a disgusting, unattractive person who let herself go.

Are You In A Relationship? yes, I am married

Is It For Attention? no, its to lose weight

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? my only current friend is my husband and he weighs 30 lbs less than me.

Are You Depressed? yes. I have bi-polar disorder

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? I did a couple times when I was younger

Ever Been To A Psychologist? Several times back in the day.

Are You On Any Medication? Not currently. I should be.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people

I NEED -
[ ] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[x] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs

I think this says a whole lot.

More Thinspo

Just for the record, I do know these girls are airbrushed. I do not have delusions that I will one day look as perfect as they look. Thinspo is just a way to motivate myself. I wish to at least be able to put on a bathing suit a smile.

Weigh In

I finally decided to weigh myself. I was a little unhappy but decided to look on the bright side. Dark side: I only lost 2 lbs since my last weigh in. Bright side: I'm finally out of the 180s. I've been trying to diet as much as a compulsive overeater can. I pretty much live off of yogurt, oranges, and salads. I sneak in some chicken once in a while, but try to keep it boiled. No grease or oils. It is difficult because I love cheese. I live and breathe for Cabot brand Pepper Jack cheese on Thin Crisp parmesan Triscuits. I once ate a whole block of cheese in one night. Then I remember that that is how I got to be 200 lbs in the first place. This weekend is memorial day weekend. I'm not too into burgers and hotdogs, its the sweets that worry me. The cakes, the ambrosia salad. I spent the past couple days fasting but today I slipped a bit. Jim wanted subway, so i got a turkey sub, with mayo. So ashamed. Its nothing a trip to Planet Fitness won't fix.

Thinspo

I don't know this model's name but she has an awesome body. I know I'll never look like her, she's super tall, but its nice to dream. :)

Back

I got back to the gym today after a week of not going. I worked it hardcore, but I feel as though I could have done better. I finally added the bicycle into my circut, I put aside my fear of the old ladies and just did it. I came home and did a Jackie Warner work out video from exercise TV. My husband tried to tempt me with a donut but I refused. All I could think about was this woman I saw at the gym today. Her body was so deformed her belly hung down almost to the ground. Sometimes I fear that if I don't workout or if I eat too much I will end up like that. I have not weighed myself today because I am afraid of what it might say. Maybe tomorrow.

My Ultimate Thinsporation.

Jackie Warner is totally gorgeous and I love her body. Most of the time fit woman turn me off but not Jackie, she can pull it off.

Don't Cry For Me

I promise I won't continue to double post on my blogs, but I felt this one could go in here as well. I have made just a few changes so it is a little different.

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has BDD, or even Anxiety problems. I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help. Sometimes I almost feel like support is another word for enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down. I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister. Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat. Not heavy or chunky. She actually used the word fat. When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder, I was bulemic with anorexic tendencies. It was horrible. I was so ashamed that I got caught and wasn't even that small either. People just started to realize I was barely eating, and was very cranky a good portion of the time. To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food. I became a compulsive over-eater. Which I guess wasn't a good idea to keep out of the therapist's office but my family doesn't go looking for problems, as long as I was eating they were happy. I went from one extreme to the next. On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked (186lbs). After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs. I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating. I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and now spend a good chunk of my time there. I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly. So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym. I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound. Please, don't tell me you're worried about me, I know what my body can and cannot take.

A Pearl

The key to lasting weight loss is is to change the way you view food
everyday. You cannot go on through life bingeing and then starving
yourself for 2 weeks just to fit into that beautiful new dress.

Today's Thinsportation

Master Cleanse is Over

As much as I enjoyed being and having a great support system in it we decided to give up on the master cleanse. We all started to feel pretty bad. I would assume from the lack of nutrition. We made it to just about day 3. I'd like to think of it as a personal victory. Not only because I am now down to 185lbs, but because I did not think I would even make it through day 1.

I usually have a pretty strict cycle at the gym, however since this week I didn't make it there even once I started using a hip hop workout video called 10 Minute Solution. I found it at walmart when I was looking for the Kim Kardashian workout. It has helped me out quite a bit. I also have a neat little belly band that I bought 2 years ago from Walmart. Its rubber and it helps you sweat more in the belly area. I don't remember the brand but I love it. I do get a few strange stares at the gym when I have to clean it off after a hard work out, but who cares!? If you have any questions go ahead and ask. You can also visit my formspring.me accout and ask questions there! http://www.formspring.me/scootipuff

My Thinspiration

In the end of all this I want to look thin and healthy. I do not want to look sickly and gross.

These pictures portray how I would like to look.

Will Power

Today was day 2 of the master cleanse and it will end at 1am. I spent a good chunk of the day thinking about giving up and how I could tell my support system. In the end I decided to not give up, and try for a few more days. I have very low will power and feel I've never really stuck anything out to the end unless I really had to. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I have already lost 2 lbs, why stop now?! Tomorrow I am going to be sure to get into the gym and quit slacking off. I can't just count on the master cleanse to do all the work.

Body Dismorphic Disorder

Recently I made a list of things I hate about my physical appearance. I've decided to post it here. I'm hoping other people will be able to see what BDD can do to you, and also strive to overcome it, or not fall into it.

From Head to Toe:

• I have aloepecia
• When I don't wear make up I look like a boy
• I have bad skin, dark spots
• I have thin lips
• I have too many chins
• My neck is thick
• I have a slight hump on my back from scoliosis
• I have flabby arms (I call them bingo wings.)
• I have funky fingers with weak nails (does that count for 2?)
• My tummy is too big
• My ass is huge! (cellulite)
• I have large trunk-like thighs (cellulite)
• I have cankles
• I have ugly feet

Tips

People (including myself) will try pretty much anything to lose weight. Currently I am trying a Master Cleanse. In the morning I drink a quart of sea salt water. During the day I drink a lemon, cayenne pepper, maple syrup concoction. At night I drink a laxative tea. The salt water did not go down very smooth but it did help to clean out my system. The lemon juice stuff is making it's way down and isn't half bad. I still have yet to try this tea I bought from our local organic food store.

Other ways I keep myself from over eating:

• keep an elastic band on my wrist: When I feel like eating something that is unhealthy I snap my wrist with the band.
• brush my teeth: no one wants to eat anything when they've just brushed their teeth!
• chew gum: it curbs my appetite.
• read labels: when I want that hostess cupcake I just read the fat content and calories and remind myself "You do not want to have to work that off later!"
• exercise: if you're moving, you're not eating.
• set realistic goals: I would rather say "I want to lose 15 lbs by the end of this month." Rather than "I want to lose 80 lbs in 4 months."
• drink LOTS of water: water makes you feel full and hydrated.
• don't weigh every day: you'll only end up discouraged. I weigh in every week, or every 4 days.

To be thin and pretty.

I have always struggled with my weight. I don't think I have ever been truely happy with my outward appearance. My entire life people have told me I'm too heavy. Over the years I have developed an illness called Body Dismorphic Disorder or BDD. I plan to over come this illness, and become a healthy person. I have gained a wonderful support system and I believe they will help guide me along the way, and I will guide and support them as well. My start weight is 189.2