Friday, July 23, 2010

If you really knew me, you would know

...there are so many things I wish I could say outloud.
...sometimes words and actions hurt me, even if they weren't meant to.
...I am completely paranoid that people are saying bad things about me when I'm not listening.
...I desperately want to be accepted.
...I still do not know who I am.
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving.
...I smile a lot of the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is. ED is not the problem. It is a symtom of all my real problems.
...sometimes the weight of my sadness is so crushing that I cannot breathe.
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with. one can put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone the way I talk to myself.
...what I want more than anything in the world is to love myself.
...sometimes I cry when no one else is around.
...I do not like having an ED, I'm just having a harder time disliking the results.
...I have a hard time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway.
...I am unable to see my own potential.
...I still have no idea who I am.
...I resent anyone who has rich parents because I feel those people get things handed to them when I have to work hard for everything I have.
...I blame myself for being raped.
...I make jokes about my dysfunctional family, but really it embarrasses me.
...I long to have a close relationship with my family.
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I'm being intimate with my husband.
...I'm in a constant state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute with thoughts of my ED, my failures, and how I think people see me. I never have a true moment of peace in my head.
...I lied my way out of treatment, and now I'm suffering the consequences.
...I feel a massive emptiness inside myself.
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I'm afraid I will fail.
...I have absolutely no confidence in myself or my abilities.
...I feel like a complete outsider, I don't feel that I belong anywhere.
...I feel like I am a burden.
...I hate feeling needy, but I long to be taken care of.
...I cannot fully trust anyone, because I know I cannot be fully trusted.
...I'm afraid my husband will wise up and realize I'm not good enough for him, and he will just give up.
...I am so sorry for all the times I lied.
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel.
...I hate being so emotional.