More Thinspo

Just for the record, I do know these girls are airbrushed. I do not have delusions that I will one day look as perfect as they look. Thinspo is just a way to motivate myself. I wish to at least be able to put on a bathing suit a smile.

Weigh In

I finally decided to weigh myself. I was a little unhappy but decided to look on the bright side. Dark side: I only lost 2 lbs since my last weigh in. Bright side: I'm finally out of the 180s. I've been trying to diet as much as a compulsive overeater can. I pretty much live off of yogurt, oranges, and salads. I sneak in some chicken once in a while, but try to keep it boiled. No grease or oils. It is difficult because I love cheese. I live and breathe for Cabot brand Pepper Jack cheese on Thin Crisp parmesan Triscuits. I once ate a whole block of cheese in one night. Then I remember that that is how I got to be 200 lbs in the first place. This weekend is memorial day weekend. I'm not too into burgers and hotdogs, its the sweets that worry me. The cakes, the ambrosia salad. I spent the past couple days fasting but today I slipped a bit. Jim wanted subway, so i got a turkey sub, with mayo. So ashamed. Its nothing a trip to Planet Fitness won't fix.

Thinspo

I don't know this model's name but she has an awesome body. I know I'll never look like her, she's super tall, but its nice to dream. :)

Back

I got back to the gym today after a week of not going. I worked it hardcore, but I feel as though I could have done better. I finally added the bicycle into my circut, I put aside my fear of the old ladies and just did it. I came home and did a Jackie Warner work out video from exercise TV. My husband tried to tempt me with a donut but I refused. All I could think about was this woman I saw at the gym today. Her body was so deformed her belly hung down almost to the ground. Sometimes I fear that if I don't workout or if I eat too much I will end up like that. I have not weighed myself today because I am afraid of what it might say. Maybe tomorrow.

My Ultimate Thinsporation.

Jackie Warner is totally gorgeous and I love her body. Most of the time fit woman turn me off but not Jackie, she can pull it off.

Don't Cry For Me

I promise I won't continue to double post on my blogs, but I felt this one could go in here as well. I have made just a few changes so it is a little different.

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has BDD, or even Anxiety problems. I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help. Sometimes I almost feel like support is another word for enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down. I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister. Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat. Not heavy or chunky. She actually used the word fat. When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder, I was bulemic with anorexic tendencies. It was horrible. I was so ashamed that I got caught and wasn't even that small either. People just started to realize I was barely eating, and was very cranky a good portion of the time. To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food. I became a compulsive over-eater. Which I guess wasn't a good idea to keep out of the therapist's office but my family doesn't go looking for problems, as long as I was eating they were happy. I went from one extreme to the next. On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked (186lbs). After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs. I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating. I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and now spend a good chunk of my time there. I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly. So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym. I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound. Please, don't tell me you're worried about me, I know what my body can and cannot take.

A Pearl

The key to lasting weight loss is is to change the way you view food
everyday. You cannot go on through life bingeing and then starving
yourself for 2 weeks just to fit into that beautiful new dress.

Today's Thinsportation

Master Cleanse is Over

As much as I enjoyed being and having a great support system in it we decided to give up on the master cleanse. We all started to feel pretty bad. I would assume from the lack of nutrition. We made it to just about day 3. I'd like to think of it as a personal victory. Not only because I am now down to 185lbs, but because I did not think I would even make it through day 1.

I usually have a pretty strict cycle at the gym, however since this week I didn't make it there even once I started using a hip hop workout video called 10 Minute Solution. I found it at walmart when I was looking for the Kim Kardashian workout. It has helped me out quite a bit. I also have a neat little belly band that I bought 2 years ago from Walmart. Its rubber and it helps you sweat more in the belly area. I don't remember the brand but I love it. I do get a few strange stares at the gym when I have to clean it off after a hard work out, but who cares!? If you have any questions go ahead and ask. You can also visit my formspring.me accout and ask questions there! http://www.formspring.me/scootipuff

My Thinspiration

In the end of all this I want to look thin and healthy. I do not want to look sickly and gross.

These pictures portray how I would like to look.

Will Power

Today was day 2 of the master cleanse and it will end at 1am. I spent a good chunk of the day thinking about giving up and how I could tell my support system. In the end I decided to not give up, and try for a few more days. I have very low will power and feel I've never really stuck anything out to the end unless I really had to. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I have already lost 2 lbs, why stop now?! Tomorrow I am going to be sure to get into the gym and quit slacking off. I can't just count on the master cleanse to do all the work.

Body Dismorphic Disorder

Recently I made a list of things I hate about my physical appearance. I've decided to post it here. I'm hoping other people will be able to see what BDD can do to you, and also strive to overcome it, or not fall into it.

From Head to Toe:

• I have aloepecia
• When I don't wear make up I look like a boy
• I have bad skin, dark spots
• I have thin lips
• I have too many chins
• My neck is thick
• I have a slight hump on my back from scoliosis
• I have flabby arms (I call them bingo wings.)
• I have funky fingers with weak nails (does that count for 2?)
• My tummy is too big
• My ass is huge! (cellulite)
• I have large trunk-like thighs (cellulite)
• I have cankles
• I have ugly feet

Tips

People (including myself) will try pretty much anything to lose weight. Currently I am trying a Master Cleanse. In the morning I drink a quart of sea salt water. During the day I drink a lemon, cayenne pepper, maple syrup concoction. At night I drink a laxative tea. The salt water did not go down very smooth but it did help to clean out my system. The lemon juice stuff is making it's way down and isn't half bad. I still have yet to try this tea I bought from our local organic food store.

Other ways I keep myself from over eating:

• keep an elastic band on my wrist: When I feel like eating something that is unhealthy I snap my wrist with the band.
• brush my teeth: no one wants to eat anything when they've just brushed their teeth!
• chew gum: it curbs my appetite.
• read labels: when I want that hostess cupcake I just read the fat content and calories and remind myself "You do not want to have to work that off later!"
• exercise: if you're moving, you're not eating.
• set realistic goals: I would rather say "I want to lose 15 lbs by the end of this month." Rather than "I want to lose 80 lbs in 4 months."
• drink LOTS of water: water makes you feel full and hydrated.
• don't weigh every day: you'll only end up discouraged. I weigh in every week, or every 4 days.

To be thin and pretty.

I have always struggled with my weight. I don't think I have ever been truely happy with my outward appearance. My entire life people have told me I'm too heavy. Over the years I have developed an illness called Body Dismorphic Disorder or BDD. I plan to over come this illness, and become a healthy person. I have gained a wonderful support system and I believe they will help guide me along the way, and I will guide and support them as well. My start weight is 189.2