Friday, July 23, 2010

If you really knew me, you would know

...there are so many things I wish I could say outloud.
...sometimes words and actions hurt me, even if they weren't meant to.
...I am completely paranoid that people are saying bad things about me when I'm not listening.
...I desperately want to be accepted.
...I still do not know who I am.
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving.
...I smile a lot of the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is. ED is not the problem. It is a symtom of all my real problems.
...sometimes the weight of my sadness is so crushing that I cannot breathe.
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with. one can put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone the way I talk to myself.
...what I want more than anything in the world is to love myself.
...sometimes I cry when no one else is around.
...I do not like having an ED, I'm just having a harder time disliking the results.
...I have a hard time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway.
...I am unable to see my own potential.
...I still have no idea who I am.
...I resent anyone who has rich parents because I feel those people get things handed to them when I have to work hard for everything I have.
...I blame myself for being raped.
...I make jokes about my dysfunctional family, but really it embarrasses me.
...I long to have a close relationship with my family.
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I'm being intimate with my husband.
...I'm in a constant state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute with thoughts of my ED, my failures, and how I think people see me. I never have a true moment of peace in my head.
...I lied my way out of treatment, and now I'm suffering the consequences.
...I feel a massive emptiness inside myself.
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I'm afraid I will fail.
...I have absolutely no confidence in myself or my abilities.
...I feel like a complete outsider, I don't feel that I belong anywhere.
...I feel like I am a burden.
...I hate feeling needy, but I long to be taken care of.
...I cannot fully trust anyone, because I know I cannot be fully trusted.
...I'm afraid my husband will wise up and realize I'm not good enough for him, and he will just give up.
...I am so sorry for all the times I lied.
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel.
...I hate being so emotional.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fucking Father's Day

Today I woke up in a pissy mood. Not feeling like dealing with any bullshit and let me tell you there's plenty of bullshit to go around. I feel like a fat moose, I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks because of work. I barely stick to my diet and my husband has been getting fast food. I indulge in the occational french fry and I think the grease and fried crap is affecting my mood. I would be a lot happier if I could have weighed myself this morning and found that I miraculously lost 5 or better yet 10 pounds. I didn't, I gained 5 pounds. I took 5 of my fiber therapy pills and ate a fiber one bar. I'm hoping soon to expell much of my bloatiness. I am thrilled that much of my belly has shrunk since March but it just brings more attention to my huge thighs. I have to move from the computer my sister just offered me cake. I will post a little thinspiration later. I need it!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Lost & Found

I found this survey and I thought it might give myself as well as others a little insight into me.

Size: 12 (US)
Age: in my twenties
Highest Weight: 205lbs
Lowest Weight: 145lbs (currently, I working back to this weight.)
Goal Weight: 135lbs

Favorite Diet Food? Low fat yoplait Raspberry cheesecake & red velvet cake yogurt, lite caeser salads, light lemonade

Favorite Binge Food? pepperjack cheese on Triscuit Parmesan Garlic Thin Crisps, auntie anne's plain pretzels with cheese, taco bell

Favorite Exercise? cardio (treadmill, bike & elliptical)

Thinspo? Real girl/scene reminds me of what I'm fighting for, reverse reminds me of what I'm fighting against.

What Makes You Slip Up? When my husband is eating and the smell of the food. I work near the mall entrance of Macy's and auntie anne's is right there, i can smell the pretzels

What Makes You Strong? looking in the mirror and reminding myself that my bio-mom has diabetes, and her mom has diabetes, and her aunt is borderline diabetic.

When Did It Start? in 2001. I've been told I was fat my whole life and when I became a teenager something snapped I just stopped eating. I got caught and became a compulsive over eater and now I'm back at square 1

Does Anyone Know? only people who read my blog.

Do You Want Help? no. i want to be able to do this the fast way. I know its not the healthiest but I've tried their way, it only made me more fat.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? something like 700, I wish it could be less but I'm afraid people will catch on.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? a disgusting, unattractive person who let herself go.

Are You In A Relationship? yes, I am married

Is It For Attention? no, its to lose weight

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? my only current friend is my husband and he weighs 30 lbs less than me.

Are You Depressed? yes. I have bi-polar disorder

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? I did a couple times when I was younger

Ever Been To A Psychologist? Several times back in the day.

Are You On Any Medication? Not currently. I should be.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear

[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people

[ ] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[x] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs

I think this says a whole lot.

Friday, May 28, 2010

More Thinspo

Just for the record, I do know these girls are airbrushed. I do not have delusions that I will one day look as perfect as they look. Thinspo is just a way to motivate myself. I wish to at least be able to put on a bathing suit a smile.

Weigh In

I finally decided to weigh myself. I was a little unhappy but decided to look on the bright side. Dark side: I only lost 2 lbs since my last weigh in. Bright side: I'm finally out of the 180s. I've been trying to diet as much as a compulsive overeater can. I pretty much live off of yogurt, oranges, and salads. I sneak in some chicken once in a while, but try to keep it boiled. No grease or oils. It is difficult because I love cheese. I live and breathe for Cabot brand Pepper Jack cheese on Thin Crisp parmesan Triscuits. I once ate a whole block of cheese in one night. Then I remember that that is how I got to be 200 lbs in the first place. This weekend is memorial day weekend. I'm not too into burgers and hotdogs, its the sweets that worry me. The cakes, the ambrosia salad. I spent the past couple days fasting but today I slipped a bit. Jim wanted subway, so i got a turkey sub, with mayo. So ashamed. Its nothing a trip to Planet Fitness won't fix.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I don't know this model's name but she has an awesome body. I know I'll never look like her, she's super tall, but its nice to dream. :)