Friday, May 14, 2010

Don't Cry For Me

I promise I won't continue to double post on my blogs, but I felt this one could go in here as well. I have made just a few changes so it is a little different.

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has BDD, or even Anxiety problems. I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help. Sometimes I almost feel like support is another word for enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down. I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister. Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat. Not heavy or chunky. She actually used the word fat. When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder, I was bulemic with anorexic tendencies. It was horrible. I was so ashamed that I got caught and wasn't even that small either. People just started to realize I was barely eating, and was very cranky a good portion of the time. To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food. I became a compulsive over-eater. Which I guess wasn't a good idea to keep out of the therapist's office but my family doesn't go looking for problems, as long as I was eating they were happy. I went from one extreme to the next. On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked (186lbs). After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs. I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating. I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and now spend a good chunk of my time there. I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly. So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym. I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound. Please, don't tell me you're worried about me, I know what my body can and cannot take.

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