Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fucking Father's Day

Today I woke up in a pissy mood. Not feeling like dealing with any bullshit and let me tell you there's plenty of bullshit to go around. I feel like a fat moose, I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks because of work. I barely stick to my diet and my husband has been getting fast food. I indulge in the occational french fry and I think the grease and fried crap is affecting my mood. I would be a lot happier if I could have weighed myself this morning and found that I miraculously lost 5 or better yet 10 pounds. I didn't, I gained 5 pounds. I took 5 of my fiber therapy pills and ate a fiber one bar. I'm hoping soon to expell much of my bloatiness. I am thrilled that much of my belly has shrunk since March but it just brings more attention to my huge thighs. I have to move from the computer my sister just offered me cake. I will post a little thinspiration later. I need it!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Lost & Found

I found this survey and I thought it might give myself as well as others a little insight into me.

Size: 12 (US)
Age: in my twenties
Highest Weight: 205lbs
Lowest Weight: 145lbs (currently, I working back to this weight.)
Goal Weight: 135lbs

Favorite Diet Food? Low fat yoplait Raspberry cheesecake & red velvet cake yogurt, lite caeser salads, light lemonade

Favorite Binge Food? pepperjack cheese on Triscuit Parmesan Garlic Thin Crisps, auntie anne's plain pretzels with cheese, taco bell

Favorite Exercise? cardio (treadmill, bike & elliptical)

Thinspo? Real girl/scene reminds me of what I'm fighting for, reverse reminds me of what I'm fighting against.

What Makes You Slip Up? When my husband is eating and the smell of the food. I work near the mall entrance of Macy's and auntie anne's is right there, i can smell the pretzels

What Makes You Strong? looking in the mirror and reminding myself that my bio-mom has diabetes, and her mom has diabetes, and her aunt is borderline diabetic.

When Did It Start? in 2001. I've been told I was fat my whole life and when I became a teenager something snapped I just stopped eating. I got caught and became a compulsive over eater and now I'm back at square 1

Does Anyone Know? only people who read my blog.

Do You Want Help? no. i want to be able to do this the fast way. I know its not the healthiest but I've tried their way, it only made me more fat.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? something like 700, I wish it could be less but I'm afraid people will catch on.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? a disgusting, unattractive person who let herself go.

Are You In A Relationship? yes, I am married

Is It For Attention? no, its to lose weight

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? my only current friend is my husband and he weighs 30 lbs less than me.

Are You Depressed? yes. I have bi-polar disorder

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? I did a couple times when I was younger

Ever Been To A Psychologist? Several times back in the day.

Are You On Any Medication? Not currently. I should be.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear

[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people

[ ] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[x] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs

I think this says a whole lot.